IDENTITY IN LOCKDOWN

Words by C.

Like all of us, the past year’s events have left me stuck in place. Time moved, while physically, I rarely did. My thoughts, however, moved even further and faster than I ever thought they could. Being stuck at home meant that I was stuck with my thoughts, many of those I had been working hard to push down. Before COVID-19 existed, I worked night shifts while attending college during the day - I had little time for anything, let alone spending time unraveling my train of thought. But, being at home forced me to face those thoughts and as I did, I found a lot of them pertained to identity, in particular, my relationship with my gender identity. Who was I? I found I would describe myself not through my own thoughts of me, but of others’. What did others think of me? How was I being perceived by those around me? Being stuck at home in lockdown made me realise I wasn’t identifying with myself, but rather with the person the people around me expected me to be.

Realising this stressed me out more than anything else - if I didn’t know who I was, how would others know? What or who would I be to those around me? These questions would bounce around my head regularly. Without realising it, I was still defining myself by what those around me thought, or, rather, what I was assuming they thought about me. Those first few months, I found myself desperately searching for some magical label that would make the confusion go away, that would solve everything. The more I searched for that label the more I found I was doing it for others’ comfort rather than my own - my identity didn’t feel like it belonged to me. For someone with anxiety, dealing with the unknown is difficult. Having the one thing that a lot of people around me seemed so sure of being confusing, was very distressing. I felt my mental health drop, and I could barely focus on anything. All my thoughts pertained to my identity and I could barely think of much else.

I still struggle over how I am perceived by others at times, but I have slowly learned to let go of that worry. What I’ve learned during this process is that the majority of people don’t really care what you identify as, and if they get bothered by it they usually aren’t the kind of people you’d want around you anyway. I still definitely have moments of worry and stress, either from the stress of wondering what people think of me or from the lack of knowing myself, but that’s natural. Reminding myself that I am the one who matters most regarding my identity, that it is mine and mine alone, really helps in those moments of worry and self-doubt.

It's moments like these where I am grateful for the people around me that have helped and encouraged me to start this journey - the person with the map , the people with the comforting words, I appreciate and love them all and would have gotten lost a long time ago without them.

C is a gender non-conforming person and uses they/he pronouns. They are in their final year of an English literature and history degree in Dublin City University. He hopes to become a secondary school teacher and do some writing on the side. His passions include buying books faster than he can read them, drinking far too much caffeine, and people (both real and fictional). You can find them on most social media where he often overshares far too much - follow them at your own risk!  

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