Valley Of Romance

Words by Amy Louise.

The true pinnacle of any role-playing farming simulator is your eventual marriage to one of the village denizens, and 2015’s Stardew Valley is no different. The ever-popular RPG boasts 12 varied and inclusive love interests, and today I aim to pit them all against each other in order to crown the most worthy of my farmer’s little grubby hand. Other versions of these articles rank these characters based on arbitrary qualities like “difficulty” and “how they will improve your gameplay” but I’m not about that life. I don’t play games for stats and technique. I play for aesthetics and romance! And on that evidently shallow note, let’s begin.

12. Elliot

On the surface, quiet yet romantic Elliot would be quite an appealing catch for our little farmer, whose eschewment of the shackles of capitalism would be even greater personified by riding a wannabe novelist living in a shack by the sea. However, my dear readers, I think it is important to realise that male writers are, notoriously, a very annoying subsection of the human race. W.B Yeats anyone? Unfortunately for Elliot, he has the exact energy of that one lad you get stuck talking to in a smoking area who has been trying to finish a screenplay for three years and robs all of your tobacco, so it’s a firm “no” from me I’m afraid. 

11. Leah

For my first playthrough of the game, I consistently mixed up Leah and Robin, so that will tell you how much space this lady occupies in my brain. On the surface, Leah sounds like a cool gal. She lives in a hut in the woods. She’s a sculptor. She likes foraging. That’s neat! However her storyline is primarily focused on the fact that she left her ex-boyfriend to carry out her woodland art fantasy, which wouldn’t be a problem were it not for the fact he’s brought up a lot, and even makes an appearance at one point. A lovely lady, but it kind of feels like you’re intruding on something between those too, and sometimes it’s best to avoid drama where you can.

10. Harvey

Ok, I’ll admit, Harvey is a little sweetheart. However, the only reason anyone would willingly marry the village GP is for money and unfortunately for Mr Moustache, he doesn’t seem to be rolling in it. Certainly adorable given his former dream of becoming a pilot and his generally shy disposition, Harvey would technically make a very sweet husband, however older men have never really done it for me so poor Harvs is back of the line here.

9. Haley

By right, Haley should probably be lower in this list because for the majority of the game, she’s a “see you next Tuesday '' of the highest order. However, in fairness to Haley, her character growth is probably the most drastic of the cast, and she is a genuinely adorable wife once you marry her. Is the effort worth the pay-off? Ehh. But she’s still better than some of the others. 

8. Sam

I should preface this by saying that Sam is genuinely adorable - he’s one of the kindest villagers when your player first arrives in the valley and he’s a genuinely lovely lad who’s good with kids and is working through the fact that his dad is away fighting in a literal war. However, of all the valley romance options, Sam unfortunately feels the most immature, even amongst the likes of Sebastian, Abigail and Maru. Sneaking into his bedroom, hiding from his mom and defending his skateboard tricks is fun and all, but it kind of gives the vibe that you’re marrying a teenager which is a little odd. Also his hair gives off 2010 Jedward vibes. Sorry Sam.

7. Shane

Few characters in Stardew Valley are as relatable as poor Shane, who, stuck in a dead-end supermarket job and living with his aunt, has little else to do with his time but drink himself into a stupor at the local tavern in an attempt to cope with his depression. Shane’s character and storyline directly appeals to the small fraction of my brain that houses a saviour complex, and his character development is a realistic glance into the realities of living with depression in a small town, and how there’s no secret key to happiness, evident in the fact he’s still a little too fond of alcohol after you get married to him. A kind romance but I feel like I think I’m more inclined to ship Shane with therapy rather than myself. 

6. Penny

Ah Penny. Bless. She’s just a little too good, you know? Honestly, I feel like I’d be corrupting her if I married her because I am nothing but a lowly farmer girl and not someone who volunteers to build houses for orphans in New Guinea. Granted, her 10 Heart event (which takes place in a pool, for those interested!) is probably one of the most saucy of the game, and marrying her takes her out of a genuinely troublesome situation but you’d be stuck volunteering at school bake sales for the rest of your days. Nightmare.

5. Maru

You see, Maru is technically a dream wife. She’s smart, cute, and will willingly craft you bombs, however, that’s the problem! Maru may be the perfect wife but she’s better than this! She should be crafting rockets at NASA, not toiling away in the village while her smelly farmer wife plunders through the caves for the 5th time this week. If you love something, let them go. As lovely as it would be to marry Maru, alas, she’s better than us all and should go and spread her wings and fly (also, her arc is enveloped in her dad refusing to let his daughter grow up and honestly, can’t be dealing with that).

4. Emily

Emily has the vibes of that one girl you meet at the afters of a house party who nobody seems to personally know but is guaranteed to change your life. Yes, technically this would fall into “Manic Pixie Dream Girl” territory but she’s more than that, mainly because she probably takes an awful lot of psychedelics. Honestly, the main downside to marrying Emily is the fact that it’ll break creepy old Clint’s heart, and I don’t want a potential serial killer on my hands. Besides that, you’re probably always guaranteed to have fun with her and that’s what matters.

3. Sebastian 

Is Sebastian notoriously difficult to romance given the fact he hides in his room all the time and only likes rare presents and little else? Yes. However! Most importantly is the fact that my boy here is an emo king and must be respected as such. I feel like everyone reverted to their teenage selves during the pandemic so honestly, there’s something very relatable about this sullen vampire man-child who hides in his basement bedroom all day, only to eventually emerge to smoke in the rain. Yes, I know I penalised Sam for basically the same behaviour but Sebastian eventually decides to become a frog breeder and honestly? That’s ADORABLE.

2. Abigail

Despite the fact she is a Tik Tok dream “alt bisexual gamer gf” in pixelated form, I like Abigail a lot. Part of her story arc involves giving her a sword, and eventually, thanks to game updates, she’ll save you from a monster with said sword before taking the time to bury her victim because she appreciates the sanctity of life; a dream woman I tell you! She also eats rocks for some reason. The potential drama regarding her true parentage adds an extra veil of drama to her character and all-round she’s just an A+ gal. Also!! You get to play a video game with her, resulting in one of the game’s more unique character interactions so yeah, bonus points for that.

1. Alex

There’s many reasons why Alex is a supreme choice amongst our valley contenders. First of all, his character is reliant on the inherent drama of someone appearing to be standoffish and then ultimately revealing a soft-inner core filled with low self-confidence and childhood trauma. Secondly, he dreams of becoming a softball player and works towards that goal. Do you know what ambition is? SEXY. Last but not least, he has a dog. This is very important. Alex’s storyline is one of the more emotional amongst the valley denizens, wrought with trauma and tears as he grapples with his self-worth and toxic masculinity, making his eventual marriage to you all the more satisfying because it feels like he’s finally found happiness. ++ Bonus points for the fact that marrying Alex keeps him away from Haley, a tragic fate indeed. 

Bonus: Krobus

An excellent roommate and the holder of my heart, whether they want it or not.