Schizoaffective
Words by Anna Mac
Anna Mac first wrote this article in 2017 and has edited and revisited her thoughts 4 years on.
Schizophrenia is a word that is thrown around a lot. Not many people know or understand what it actually is. I first encountered schizophrenia symptoms at the age of 17, when I was at a party with my then-boyfriend. I started crying and freaking out because I didn’t recognise who he was. I blamed it on some sort of side effect from the anti-depressants I had just recently been prescribed with. I didn’t have another episode until the night before my Leaving Cert results. I came home from a jog and collapsed on the couch, when I woke up I started screaming hysterically and thrashing because I didn’t know where I was or who my parents were. The symptoms didn’t become a regular thing until November 2015, when I encountered a full month living in a false reality, convinced I was in a mental hospital, my parents were doctors and my brother who was visiting me was out to get me, maybe even kill me. I went back to the psychiatrist and he gave me antipsychotic medication, and diagnosed me with schizoaffective disorder, depressive type, which is basically a mixture of schizophrenia and depression.
The term mental health is a bracket broad and wide, covering all sorts of issues, from depression, anorexia nervosa to post traumatic stress disorder. In today’s society, a lot of ground is being covered as best as we can in schools, the workplace and in social circles. Our awareness is at an all time peak, yet, when someone mentions mental health, people automatically assume it is depression. As it is probably the most common mental illness, it is easy to understand that people immediately jump to the conclusion that a mental health illness is somehow related or linked to depression. The level of education that is supplied with regards to depression and the process of it slowly being stripped of its stigma is groundbreaking, but what about other mental illnesses?
When I wrote this article in 2017, I had watched a programme on RTE called Schizophrenia: The Voices Inside Your Head. At the time, it had been the first programme, film or any sort of media content that actually resonated with me. I had watched every film under the sun that deals with psychosis since my diagnosis, and nothing has ever hit home like this documentary did. I am sick and tired of people using phrases like “he’s a schizo” or someone calling a person “psychotic” as if it’s the worse thing in the world and some sort of mutation. Schizoaffective disorder and psychotic related illnesses are mental illnesses, and horrible ones at that, but it is so stigmatised that I was terrified to write this article back in 2017 because I was sure people would have an automatically biased opinion with regards to the illness, without ever learning about it properly.
And I don’t blame them; when I was diagnosed I cried and cried for days, and to be honest I still have days where I can’t believe I have this illness due to the reputation it has, how it’s portrayed in the media and the amount of work you have to do on yourself, with or without medication, to cope with it. There is a general consensus that schizophrenia is dual personality, hearing voices in your head or just downright insane. For me, schizoaffective disorder is not knowing what’s real and what’s not, having intrusive thoughts that if I shared with anyone they would think I’m crazy, having bad concentration along with other symptoms that make every day a little bit harder than it should be. I take antidepressants and antipsychotic medication, and at the time that this article was first published, my aim was to be medication-free the following year. My reasoning was due to the side effects: weight gain, excessive sleeping and as the medication I was on was a sedative, my personality and creativity were constantly dulled and suppressed. In August 2020, after 4 years on Olanzapine, I switched medication to what can only be described as an upper. I have more energy, I feel more creative and my productivity level has increased tenfold. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about taking medication, it is a trial and error process until you find the right one for you.
Over the past year or so, I have become more vocal about my experience with mental illness online, which includes depression, OCD, anxiety, disordered eating and schizoaffective disorder. Quite the mouthful, but I believe education is the most valuable asset you can have when it comes to mental illness. I am doing my best to share my knowledge and show people that having a mental illness does not need to be shameful or stigmatised. It is almost a guarantee you know someone suffering with some sort of illness, not necessarily schizoaffective disorder or depression, but one in four people will suffer from a mental illness or neurological disorder at some point in their lives. With that said, watch documentaries, read, discuss with your peers, do whatever you can to find out more. Mental health is sacred, make sure to love and respect your state of mind, whether it be fit or unwell. Either way, there’s no other mind quite like yours.
If you are struggling with your mental health, please do not hesitate to reach out and seek help.
Some useful contacts are listed below:
Text TALK to 50808
Pieta House: 1800 247 247 or Text HELP to 51444
Samaritans: 116 123
Aware: 1800 80 48 48
Womens Aid: 1800 341 900
Let’s Get Talking Dublin: 01 456 9158
Let’s Get Talking Galway: 091 765 500
