Mirror Image
Words by Kayleigh Dunne.
TW: Hi Guys, Kay here. Please be aware that this short story contains imagery regarding eating disorders, that some may find distressing to read. Look after yourself first and foremost. Thank you!
Sat on the floor in front of a full-length mirror, her face nearly pressed up against the glass, she looked at herself. Her hands moved across face, poking at and stretching her skin in unnatural shapes. Even smiling looked weird. She ran her fingers down her nose, thinking it was far too wide for her. She thought her cheeks were too puffy, resembling a chipmunk. Tucking her hair behind her ears made them stand out horribly, yet if she kept her hair down to frame her face she had two oddly shaped bumps where her ears were hiding.
Her lips were decent enough, yet she had this weird pimple that never seemed to go away and always stared back at her in the mirror. Her eyes changed colour sometimes, she used to be known as “Stormy” when she was younger, she hated that. She wanted perfect brilliant green eyes or lively blue ones, not the dull grey ones that only came to life when she cried. Which was a lot. Everyone commented on her eyelashes, saying she was lucky she didn’t need false ones, but to her, her eyelashes were such a small silver lining in a massive grey cloud.
She never seemed to get her hair right, no matter what she tried. Tying it up resulted in her looking like a thumb, so she left it down, yet didn’t do anything except straighten it day in, day out. Everyday she would keep moving her hair while sitting down, not allowing people to see it in a single style for long periods of time, fearful that the current state it was in was horrible and people were judging her for not being able to follow the hairstyle trends.
Art by Amy Louise.
She wanted nothing more than to fit in with the people around her, to be pretty with pretty features. To have the perfect body like the ones in the magazines and the ones she saw constantly around her from the minute she could read. She wasn’t skinny, and she kept telling herself that she certainly wasn’t fat, yet that almost always fell on empty ears. A thought that ran constantly through her head was “I’m skinny from the side, the front not so much.” She knew she was comparing herself to unrealistic beings, photoshopped images and setting unachievable goals. She knew this yet this logic didn’t stay for long, causing herself unreasonable stress until one day she broke.
She snapped, did something she heard about but believed would never happen to her. You never think things that happen to a friend of a friend’s daughter could happen to you, until it does. “It’s under control,” she told herself at the beginning, “I’ll just do it until I hit this goal and then I’ll stop.” The end of the goal never came into sight so she didn’t stop. She dropped pounds and as they fell off everyone was congratulating her on her success, she felt happy so did it again and again and again, until it controlled her.
She grew angry and irritable, the full-length mirror becoming her enemy, the scales becoming an obsession. She began to grow distant from those around her, snapped at them once too many times. Depressed, slowly losing control, yet kidding herself otherwise. Going all day without eating only to eat junk food at night when everyone is asleep, immediately regret it and run to the bathroom.
She goes against her best interests, continuing to do what she is doing until she can’t keep it under control anymore. She breaks down. Looks once more in the full length mirror and sees a shadow of her former self, a girl happy with life, a girl who used to have the biggest smile in the room, happy with herself, unaware of the pressure placed on her about her weight, her looks and how she carries herself.
She wanted so much to fit with others around her, with society, with friends, she turned away from herself, started destroying her body, her smile, her life, until one day the person staring back at the mirror was not her. She seeked help, reached out to friends and family. She learned she was not alone. She slowly learned and still is good the way she is. Now not suffering, but fighting.
And still fighting today, having more wins than ever before.
If you are struggling with your mental health, please do not hesitate to reach out and seek help.
Some useful contacts are listed below:
Text TALK to 50808
Pieta House: 1800 247 247 or Text HELP to 51444
Samaritans: 116 123
Aware: 1800 80 48 48
Womens Aid: 1800 341 900
Let’s Get Talking Dublin: 01 456 9158
Let’s Get Talking Galway: 091 765 500
