The Chronicles of Fuck Boys
by Anna Mac
Banner by Amy Louise.
Fuck boys. We all know one. Many of us have experienced dating a fuck boy, many of us are friends with fuck boys, and some of us are fuck boys. You know the type: someone who claims they have commitment issues, a person who will enjoy the benefits of a relationship without actually being in one, someone who will spoil you with compliments to get exactly what they want, and most importantly, someone who is triple timing you but makes you feel like you’re the only one for them (without ever actually saying it).
It’s no secret that fuck boys get a bad name. “I’m bad at relationships”, they may say. Or “I’ve been super busy with…” (Getting a zero back and sides? Putting their Instagram handle in their Tinder bio? Playing other people?). Or, El Classico, ghosting. Fuck boys are known to get their bit and fuck off once they’ve reached the climax (pun intended) of the “relationship”. They may drift their way into your life, and disappear just when you catch the feels, leaving you either wanting more, pissed off, or becoming actively single and swearing never to get involved with another person again.
I am spitting the facts of a fuck boy, their legacy, their mantra, their goals in life; fuck boys know what they want, and will go to great lengths to get it. So what kind of fuck boys exist?
The DM Fuck Boy
The DM Fuck Boy is one of the more common breeds, known for sliding into your DMs if a selfie you have taken tickles their fancy. Common responses include the flame emoji, heart eyes, the 100 emoji, or simply the word “wow”. Some of the more advanced DM Fuck Boys may attempt to create a conversation based on a picture and hold off sexualising the conversation until later, when they inevitably ask you for nudes.
The Car Fuck Boy
This one is fairly self explanatory. The Car Fuck Boy are a collective who drive around in their cars, picking up their unsuspecting partner, who unknowingly is added to a list of generic snapchat receivers with a photo of said car with a message that reads “coming for a spin?” The Car Fuck Boy enjoy doing business in their motors, with no strings attached and reducing the risk of meeting any friends or family that may ask any questions that would make the Car Fuck Boy grow emotionally attached to their partner of choice.
The Musician Fuck Boy
The Musician Fuck Boy’s personality rides on the fact that they play an instrument, and they will drag you in based on this fact. You may meet them in a club, or at a bar, and they offer to take you home so they can play you a song on their guitar. The Musician Fuck Boy may seem emotional, may even write you a song, but they are just as emotionally detached as someone pissed playing Wonderwall at an afters. The Musician Fuck Boy will lure you in with their sweet, sweet melodies, but don’t be fooled: you are one of many that they prey on with their delightful timbre and aura of cool.
The Stoner Fuck Boy
The Stoner Fuck Boy is often a hybrid of Fuck Boys: skaters, musicians, artists, the list goes on. The one thing that ties this group of Fuck Boys together is that sweet, sweet Mary Jane. The Stoner Fuck Boy will like to get high a lot, and gets cheap thrills from leading their partner on, often without realising, as they are usually, you guessed it, stoned. Expect pictures of giant blunts or perhaps a weed plant so big that it may impress you, but don’t be fooled: they are sending pictures of their trophy ganja to a lot more people than you. They’ll like to hear stories of how high you’ve been, what weed strain is your favourite, and, if their stock is running low, they will ask you if you are available to loan them some cash for grass. The Stoner Fuck Boy is usually so laid back they are constantly horizontal, not giving a flying fuck about you but always polite and chilled. They are an easy one to fall for because their no fucks given attitude appears cool, when actually you are just another person to get high with; nothing more, nothing less.
The Alt Fuck Boy
The Alt Fuck Boy is an interesting one. They often have piercings, tattoos and wear flannel shirts. You know the type. They usually have a strong presence on social media, predominantly twitter, (previously Tumblr) where they can use their alternative wittiness and mysterious selfies to attract their desired partner. Bleached hair is a must, as is a nose piercing/dangling earring, and may tweet about your favourite band, which seems like a perfect coincidence, but the cunning Alt Fuck Boy knows all about you already. They have their targets and, with the slyness of a fox, will slink into your life before you know it. The Alt Fuck Boy will leave you believing you are the perfect match, have you thinking “I’ll be the one to change them”, and just when things are about to get a little serious, the Alt Fuck Boy will do what they do best: fuck off.
The Farmer Fuck Boy
The Farmer Fuck Boy is few and far between, but they do exist. They often go for the more country folk, the people who find being in possession of road frontage highly attractive. The Farmer Fuck Boy will have the newest model of a John Deer tractor and constantly have wads of cash. A good meeting place for the Farmer Fuck Boy and their partner of choice is at the races, where the horse they own may win their lucky partner a few euro. They are also commonly found at a farmer’s market or a cattle auction, maybe even the Donkey Derby. They will use their country charm to win you over, tell you about how many kids they want and how they’re a family man, and make you believe you have found someone your parents approve of. You’ll go on a few dates, taking it slow at first spending most of the time in their car (some similarities to the Car Fuck Boy here) and just when they have you like-liking them and seeing a future with them, they will give you radio silence and claim they had no reception or they were busy with farm work. At that stage, it is time to say goodbye.
The Local Fuck Boy
The Local Fuck Boy is a dude you’ve known your whole life. You were at their communion, confirmation, and every birthday party in between. You know their family like they are your own, and probably hung around with them or their siblings while your parents had cups of coffee and bitched about the community. The Local Fuck Boy drives a Honda (Civic, usually), loves going for spins, blaring bad techno music and is Snapchat Story King - especially while driving. Your parents always thought you and the Local Fuck Boy would be a great match, childhood sweethearts, blissfully unaware that the Local Fuck Boy has carpal tunnel syndrome from sending Super Likes on Tinder and claiming they have people texting them constantly asking for a spin in the Civic. The Local Fuck Boy will eventually settle down with one lucky person and stay local for eternity, but until then they’ll likely message you late at night for a 2am cruise.
The GAA Fuck Boy
The GAA Fuck Boy is a classic. One minute you’re swiping right on their Junior B County Final photo on tinder, the next you’re on the sidelines cheering them on and looking on with admiration. The GAA Fuck Boy can be a gentleman, maybe speak about how close they are to their mother, even introduce you to their friends, but don’t be fooled: the GAA Fuck Boy is aware of the breed of people known as jersey pullers. A jersey puller is someone who latches on to a GAA star in order to climb the social ladder of Irish sport, working their way up from local to county teams. The GAA Fuck Boy knows the attraction their club jersey bestows, and will often use their club colours to their advantage.
The Twitter Reply Fuck Boy
Now this is one we all know. The Twitter Reply Fuck Boy is also known as the “reply guy”, i.e. someone who wants to start DMing you (plus more) but instead makes it known to the public by openly replying to your tweets. Like a dog pissing on a pole, they mark their territory, with no provoking needed, and let you and your mutuals know they want to hang out. The Twitter Reply Fuck Boy may have several accounts on the go, replying to whoever they want to eventually begin DMing, and after that it is up to the receiver of the reply guy if they want to take it further. Couples have met on Twitter, sure, and I hope they are very happy, but there is an air of creepiness that accompanies a Twitter Reply Fuck Boy - they are persistent and will continue to reply until the mutual following becomes DMs, a date, maybe more, until you are ghosted and blocked and never hear from them again.
The Nice Fuck Boy
Finally, we come to the Nice Fuck Boy. The Nice Fuck Boy is someone who is straight up about what they want, who they want to do it with, and self-aware that they are, in fact, a Fuck Boy. The Nice Fuck Boy makes it clear from the beginning what they are after, and make sure that you’re cool with it, too. They will cut you off if either party begins developing feelings, but in a way that is honest and considerate, rather than being immature and completely ghosting you. The Nice Fuck Boy may introduce you to their friends in a casual way, refer to you as “someone they are seeing”, but don’t be fooled: you are not the only one they are texting.
All in all, Fuck Boys come in many shapes and sizes, and I could honestly write a book on the amount of different Fuck Boys that exist. Somewhere, I am sure, there is a Horse Fuck Boy, or a Vegan Fuck Boy (probably very common to be honest). If you simply put a noun in front of the word Fuck Boy, somebody somewhere will fit the bill. So folks, if you are seeing a Fuck Boy, know your limits. If you are friends with a Fuck Boy, let them know they are a Fuck Boy. Or if you are a Fuck Boy, be the nice kind.
