My Grandmother is An Annoying Cow.
Words by Colm.
We all have Grandmothers. And we all love them. However, my grandmother absolutely does my head in.
She is my Mum’s (who’s sound) Mum. I see her fairly regularly as she lives two doors down from me. I just don’t get it. She is really annoying and continuously does stuff to annoy me. She appears to be a nice woman and I think most other people she encounters thinks that she is nice but personally, I cannot stand her. Like, I don’t hate her or anything, I love my grandmother, she is just really annoying and sometimes she does stuff that I just think is bang out of order. Her behaviour will have to change. I’m glad finally to get the opportunity to speak publicly about this.
Every time I come over to the house to visit her she gives out to me because I bring a few mates of mine over and apparently we don’t have any manners. Bear in mind, this is the same woman who at my cousins confirmation last year reached across about 6 of her family members to tell her son in law (who is just as boring as she is), that she needed to go to the toilet and made us all get up. Where are the fucking manners in that? This kind of stuff just turns me off visiting her if I’m honest. Myself and my friends have plenty of manners. We always close the door behind us, we always bring an ashtray over in the living room.
Granted, she isn’t mad about my mates because one of them backed into her car last month. She was a complete cow about that. My mate Andy didn’t mean it. We were in a rush and he reversed into her car. She parked on the main road (her parking is atrocious) about 6 feet from the curb and apparently it’s Andy’s fault. Started giving out stink then in the middle of the road. I was just embarrassed to be honest, I just went home I didn’t go to training that night. Andy rang me then the next day and asked me if I thought her behaviour was acceptable. I told him I knew it wasn’t but what can I do, she is my grandmother and my mum is always hanging out with her.
Another thing she loves doing is accusing me of using her mobile. Usually my phone credit runs out so I will need to use a phone. I don’t like taking my Mum or Dad’s because they both work full time (my Grandmother has decided for some reason that at 78 she doesn’t need to work anymore). I’ll often go over to her house and use her mobile. If she is out, she leaves it behind, and I know that she leaves it behind because whenever I ring her she doesn’t fucking answer it. So I use the backdoor (which is always open because apparently, “this is a nice neighbourhood”. Talk about naivety!) and take it with me before I head out. Then she goes all mad and gets my mum to ring me and accuses me of stealing it. Granted, I have her phone, and granted, I took it from her house while she was out., but to accuse a man in front of his own Mother and while he is with his mates on a night out in town is a total disgrace.
Again, I don’t hate her she’s a nice woman and I would miss having her around but it’s just really annoying. Even now as I type this, she is complaining about my car being parked in her driveway. This means she, and I quote, “has to park her car out in the middle of the road in a dangerous spot”. I spent nearly 17K on my car last year. My insurance policy specifies that it’s behind closed gates when parked. Unless she wants to contribute to my premium, she can leave me alone and stop giving out to me.
Last week just as a sign of friendship, I lent her my laptop for some online Bridge thing. It sounded really boring but she is really boring, so I suppose it’s something she would have enjoyed. Then I get a phone call complaining about some tabs I left open that “weren’t appropriate viewing” and because she is an idiot and had Screen Share set up on her zoom call, all of her equally boring friends (of varying age groups it has to be said) were all upset by this so called ‘inappropriate material”. Not my words, the words of Fred Healy who is the chair of the Bridge group. So what went from a sign of goodwill and friendship resulted in me getting a bollocking from the South Douglas Road Bridge Association on a Friday evening when things are tough enough. All this, because my Grandmother can’t close a few tabs and pop ups.
She ruined my last relationship as well, with a girl called Sinéad who I genuinely think was my true love. I met her on Tinder last month and things were going well. I went to visit where she was staying at the time but I happened to have my grandmother with me that day. I had to go see her this day so I bring my Grandmother with me. Throughout the entirety of the visit my Grandmother kicked up a fuss. If it wasn’t the smell, it was the chairs, if it wasn’t the chairs it was the food from the vending machine, and if it wasn’t the food from the vending machine it was the “other prisoners glaring at her was we walked down the visitors centre” that made her feel uneasy. The prison wardens kindly offered her water, a nicer chair etc, and still complaint after complaint all because she didn’t want me and this girl to have a half an hour together. It was selfish and mean of my Grandmother as Sinéad only gets 1 visit a month and she used it for me. Not my cow of a Grandmother complaining about everything known to man.
Next month, I’ll be turning 27. My goal is to try and talk to my grandmother about her behaviour. It’s not fair on me to have to listen to this kind of rubbish. “Stop doing this, listen to me about that, clean up this, stop redirecting my meals on wheels to your own house that”. I’m a grown man and I want a grandmother that I’m proud of. I love that woman, because she is by extension like a mother to me, but her behaviour will have to improve and improve fast.
“How long, how long must we sing this song” - Bono, from Dublin Rock ’n’ Roll band U2.
Colm hacked into the Be Nothing Club site on April 1st. This article is being left here as a record of his crimes, while the ongoing investigation by the Department of Justice continues.
