My ADHD Story
Words by Kelsie Fitzgerald
TW: mentions of depression, anxiety, and general mental health issues.
For those unaware, October is ADHD awareness week. Up until my diagnosis this past year, I was blissfully unaware of ADHD and how truly debilitating it can be when left untreated. For the month of October, I will be writing some personal articles about ADHD and my experiences so far, in the hopes that maybe it can help someone experience the lightbulb moment I experienced not so long ago, or help others to understand ADHD. This article is part one, where I’ll talk about my own experiences leading up to my diagnosis and how life has been since.
My first memory of seeing a portrayal of ADHD was in Desperate Housewives. Lynette’s sons were diagnosed as having ADHD, promptly leading to a storyline of poor Lynette taking issue with children’s medication. In a very similar manner, ADHD was also dealt with in The Simpsons, during which Bart was diagnosed with ADHD. Once again, this was followed by a storyline involving medication. As far as I knew, growing up and even throughout my teenage and adult years, ADHD was that cliché of rambunctious and disruptive little boys who couldn’t sit still and would cause trouble for everyone around them. I would argue that when people think of ADHD, this is what first comes to mind. While it isn’t wrong and is something that occurs, as we learn more about ADHD, we know there is so much more to it than a hyperactive little boy.
What exactly is ADHD though? Well, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder or ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder. Common traits include inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity, all of which often have a pervasive effect on a person's life. You may find that some individuals also display difficulty with emotions and problems with executive dysfunction. Getting my ADHD diagnosis was one of the most validating experiences of my life. Suddenly the past 27 years made sense. I’m not broken, my brain is just wired differently.
Learning
In 2019, I moved to China. While I absolutely love living here, I can’t deny the massive changes it has brought to my life and my mental health. Despite making friends and having my boyfriend by my side, for the first time in my life I was truly without my support system and the people I was most comfortable around. The longer I lived here, the more mental health issues cropped to the surface. Things I previously had been good at controlling suddenly went out of control. My emotions were turbulent, and unfortunately, I took it out on myself and those closest to me, growing increasingly more and more frustrated with myself. There was a breaking point. After a long talk with my boyfriend about something being wrong, I needed to figure out what that was.
When I first accepted that I needed to sort myself out, I presumed it would be like before. I would go to counselling and they’d help me with feelings of depression and anxiety. Now, I was never diagnosed with anxiety or depression, in fact anyone who knows me will tell you I’ve never felt comfortable saying that’s what was wrong. Did I have periods of feeling anxious? Absolutely. Did I have bouts of feeling depressed? You betcha… but those descriptions never felt right. I have friends diagnosed with both and while I wasn’t closed off to the idea, it just never clicked with me.
While I was in the process of finding a counsellor or therapist in Beijing, I came across a Twitter thread describing the symptoms of ADHD in girls and women, and it piqued my interest. The more I read the thread, the more I found myself thinking ‘I do that’ or ‘wow you’re telling me most people don’t struggle to do this?’ Alas, even though this was so relatable to me, I finished the thread and went about my life forgetting about it.
Image from https://www.adhdawarenessmonth.org/
But ADHD wouldn’t leave me alone. Soon, I was seeing more and more people talking about it.
I fixated on ADHD TikTok compilations, researching every resource I could find online and doing every test I could come across. Everything pointed to ADHD, but to me, this was terrifying.
ADHD is weird because symptoms like forgetfulness and procrastination are things experienced by everyone. Phrases like “sure, everyone is a little ADD” are commonplace. However, for me ADHD can be at best, funny, but at worst, absolutely debilitating to my everyday life. As it stood, many people around me didn’t initially believe my thoughts and fears. However, these people grew more supportive overtime, particularly as I shared my research.
Diagnosis
My next step was getting a diagnosis, a very hard thing to do in most cases especially as an adult and even more difficult as a woman.
In basic terms, the ADHD diagnosis criteria mostly applies to children who present symptoms under the age of 12 and people whose symptoms negatively affect their life for at least six months. There’s a lot more to it, but I needed to prove these conditions in particular to get my diagnosis.
I first needed to speak to my parents. I asked them to try and remember what I was like in Primary school, specifically wondering what teachers said and what my behaviour was like. For the sake of being objective, I hid the purpose behind the call. Thankfully my parents kept all my old school report cards. Lo and behold, my report cards screamed ‘girl with undiagnosed ADHD’. Frequent comments mentioned how I “needed to work harder to reach my potential”, I was “easily distracted” but I would “excel in subjects I enjoyed and loved”.
It all clicked into place when I asked my parents about my behaviour as a child. I was an overactive daydreamer who would hop and jump between hobbies and activities, often getting bored very quickly. I could never study until the night before an exam, no matter how often I tried to sit in the room and just do it. I was terrible at keeping my room clean, unless I gained a burst of energy. During these bursts I would not only clean my bedroom, but also the whole house.
Further on in my life I struggled a lot. Specifically when I studied for a year and had frequent breakdowns, not being able to understand my own brain. I went through phases of thinking I had BPD, anxiety, and depression. While counselling helped me at different times, it helped with situational-based issues and not the core reason as to why I felt like this.
Learning more about ADHD was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, suddenly I felt seen. From being so lost in my own head, I now found the language I could use to express what was going on. I could communicate better with those around me and help them to understand what’s going on.
The day I went to visit a psychiatrist, I arrived with photocopied documents of my school report cards. I had also made a three-part note so that I wouldn’t ramble, and to back myself up if needed. I went in expecting a battle, I was waiting to fight my corner and convince this doctor that it’s not anxiety or depression, it was something so much more. As it turns out, I didn’t need to be ready for a fight. My doctor listened to me speak about my life and within the hour exclaimed “if there was a textbook example of ADHD inattentive type it would be you”. So, I got my diagnosis, and am now officially ‘neurodivergent’ a phrase which I still don’t feel completely comfortable saying but I’m slowly growing to be more comfortable with it.
Aftermath
With my diagnosis however came a whole load of feelings I wasn’t totally prepared for, ones which are still affecting me today.
Grief:
After seeing others speak about adult diagnosis, so many of them mentioned a period of feeling grief. I was not however prepared for how hard it hit me. Grief hit me like a truck. I was and am still grieving for a life of what could have been. I know it’s not healthy, and I am working on it, but it’s hard. Life is not about the what ifs, but I can’t help but think if I didn’t have ADHD, or if someone had caught my ADHD, maybe I would have done better at school, university, jobs and so on. I wonder if I would have succeeded in my hobbies, become the artist I always imagined myself being or stuck out being a dancer or a gymnast. I grieve for all these things that maybe could have been.
Sadness:
I wasn’t expecting to feel such intense sadness. I thought I would feel nothing but happiness and excitement for my new chance at being the best me. However I did feel sad and I still do some days. Initially my sadness came from deep within, I couldn’t get my head around the fact that this doctor could see all the signs and symptoms of ADHD after one hour of knowing me, yet all my teachers, parents and other family members never copped it. I was sad for little Kelsie, who struggled so hard and was having a hard time but because I didn’t cause trouble, did okay in school and showed no outward signs. The girl who went unnoticed.. I’m working through it all and I don’t blame anyone because I’m not the only girl to experience this exact situation.
Confusion:
Getting an ADHD diagnosis caused serious confusion. While on one hand it made everything make sense, on the other hand it caused a big identity crisis, one I’m still struggling with. ADHD symptoms are quite varied, but growing up, so many of my personality traits turned out to be symptoms of ADHD. Where does ADHD end and Kelsie begin? Is my personality simply having ADHD? It’s all very confusing and can be hard to figure out at times.
Shame:
Shame is something I’ve always felt, but now I’ve been feeling it even more. While knowing I have ADHD gives me a lot of answers, simply knowing I have it doesn’t change how my brain works. While I’m learning coping mechanisms and figuring out medication, I still experience daily symptoms. However now, I’m even harder on myself when I can’t keep up with housework, the gym, or contacting my friends and family. I fall into a shame spiral when I’m having executive dysfunction, which in turn makes the dysfunction worse. It’s a never-ending cycle of shame and not being able to do anything about it.
Frustration:
Like shame, since getting my diagnosis I’ve found myself feeling a lot more frustrated at myself and my ‘shortcomings’. I’m trying to use kinder language and be understanding but when I sit for hours unable to move, paralysed in place even though I know I need to do the thing, it's so frustrating. I get so angry at myself when I forget things, lose things, or can't do a thing I’ve promised someone. While knowing the reason behind it should help, in some ways it doesn’t because I feel like I should be able to handle it. I feel I should be able to conquer my own brain.
Denial:
While I’ve worked through denial for the most part, it still creeps up occasionally. I still struggle to say I’m neurodivergent because for years I thought I was neurotypical. Even though an accredited psychiatrist with years of experience has diagnosed me, sometimes I still just think “no”. I’ve gotten through college. I work a high-pressure job. I always get my work done. I simply must just be lazy and lack motivation. It's not ADHD, it's just the person I am.
…
While my ADHD diagnosis has been a big step in my growth and development, and despite negative aspects, overall it’s been positive. I can now understand myself and my limits while also having the language to explain this to others. I am continuously learning more and more about ADHD and what I can do to help myself. I have a lot of personal work to do to move forward with my life. I need to learn to be kind and accept the way I am. Not to use it as an excuse but also know that my brain is not wired to work in a neurotypical way and that’s okay, I just need to figure out my own way.
If you or anyone else you know needs more information about ADHD please check out the following organisations:
ADHD Ireland - https://adhdireland.ie/
INCADDS (Irish National Council of AD/HD Support Groups - https://www.incadds.ie/
ADHA UK - https://adhduk.co.uk/
ADHA FOUNDATION - https://adhdfoundation.org.uk/
