Mastering Lockdown
Words by Casey Hynes
2020.
It’s hard to put into words what the last year has been like, and I know there are many like me who would struggle to truly capture it in writing. Full of loss and fear. Anger and hatred. For many people, this last year has been one of the worst years of their lives, and one that many looked forward to ending with gusto. It almost feels too raw, too close to talk about yet, like there needs to be many more months of processing before we can truly discuss what happened.
Yet here I am.
Like many other people throughout Ireland and the globe, last year didn’t turn out the way I had planned in my head. My main focus from the beginning of 2020 (and before that) was to complete my MA in University College Cork, and finally do what so many 20-something-year olds have done before me: sort my life out. Preparing for the future, and starting out on a strong, new path in life, was the driver behind 2020’s steering wheel. Unfortunately, there would be roadworks ahead.
I was still living in Cork City when the lockdowns and restrictions first began trickling in. A quiet trip to college for a study session one day turned into a mad dash to the library for vital books and resources, as lecturers broke the news that the campus was going to close in just a few hours. For days and weeks after, the odd worried sniffle turned into fears of infection, a reaction that hasn't really faded away since. The potential of a full lockdown culminated in me moving home to North Cork rapidly and suddenly in March, without half my belongings and zero of my wits about me.
Being back home and working remotely had its benefits, it must be said. Not having to pay rent for the first time in years was one less anxiety my body had to host, and knowing my family was with me and were safe was certainly a positive. I live near the countryside, so there was plenty of opportunity for socially distant, within-5km walks. I got to see my cat every day (and still do).
But, of course, there were many downsides, other than the obvious Big One. During the best and healthiest of times, I’ve never been one to venture into the outside world very often - curling up in a blanket at home in the quiet has always suited me better. But even I have my limits - and they were certainly tested. Though I love my family immensely, being stuck inside with people I was no longer used to living with was another challenge in itself, especially when contact with close friends suddenly became so limited. 2020 was the year where I spent more time with myself than I did with anyone else.
And it sucked. Me, myself and I are terrible friends. We bitch at each other, poke holes in each other’s confidence and generally just have a bad time, especially when stressed. Being openly and outwardly honest about myself and my inner thoughts can be quite hard, but I owe it to myself to admit that I was not good to myself for a large portion of 2020. My thoughts and emotions festered and sent me into a very dark place. Seeking enjoyment and happiness from any source - film, family, friends - left me with an intense feeling of guilt, so much so that I began to avoid doing anything that brought me joy. This worsened as I began to add pressure on myself, a nagging voice chanting in the back of my head and reminding me of the thesis work I needed to do, and how little time I had to do it. Doing anything became hard, even the work I was flagellating myself over.
At some point in July, I woke up enough to realise I needed help in soothing the parts of my mind I could no longer fix by myself. Like so many others, the isolation of lockdown combined with the anxiety over my work got to me, and talking to a professional who was unbiased helped untangle me from the web of self-doubt and terror I had spun myself into. Therapy to many can sound like a scary word, and it can be extremely hard to open up to a stranger about the most vulnerable parts of you. But in so many ways it can save your life and help to pull you back into the light, reconnecting you with the world around you and all of its good bits. It’s not a magical fix by any means, but it’s the first step down the right path. Through the support of my loved ones and myself, I fought against the guilt that came with relaxation and entertainment, and became relatively content in myself again, allowing me to better focus on my academic work.
Like most students throughout the country, at the end of Semester 2 I found myself trying to complete my essays and work remotely, using the newly accessible resources the library was offering online. However, due to no one’s fault but my very own, after the semester I still had one big ole assignment due at the end of the summer.
I can find it quite hard to formulate any of my thoughts into words, whether they be casual or academic, so completing a thesis that combined a practical short film project and a theoretical written accompaniment was always going to be the better option for me. The practical side of film has always been something I’ve been more comfortable with, and filming the project helped me to express myself again in a way that was quite therapeutic. The film was shot entirely outdoors - using film equipment loaned to me by my practical supervisor once restrictions eased - meaning for once, I wasn’t lacking in vitamin D. Due to the restrictions, I had to adjust my premise from a narrative and character-based piece, to something a lot more experimental. Creating something that wasn’t strangled by heavy scheduling and scripting allowed me to relax more than I could have realised. My grandparents were able to become a part of our social bubble and help me with filming, allowing us to make up for the time we had lost together during lockdown which I cannot be anything but thankful for. My supervisors, through the power of email and Zoom, wholeheartedly supported me in the creation of the film and refining it. Though the short film I made was incredibly different to the project I had initially envisioned before the world turned upside down, I can say I am very proud of what I could make and of how it turned out, if I may shine my own boots just a little.
The writing part was as pleasant as writing any long, deeply theoretical film essay is, which is to say, not really pleasant at all. But I did it, and it was probably good - though I couldn’t really determine that for myself. Getting it finished was more cathartic than anything, finally being able to say it was all finished. Submission was a very quiet affair - I sat in my room, as I had done all summer, and sent the links to the short film and written component to my lecturers. And that was that, I was finished. A bit anticlimactic, much like the entire year. Here’s looking forward to the virtual conferring in March.
Post-masters in 2020, I hoped to bring everything a bit back on track and to keep working towards sorting my life out (as previously mentioned), and I did...somewhat. I began working at a film festival soon after, which was and still is an incredible experience and something I know will greatly benefit me in the future. I have become better at taking care of myself, though I admit there have been momentary lapses. But I know myself a part of moving forward and working towards any sort of happy life involves being able to forgive myself when I falter or fail, so long as I continue to push on. Reminding myself, again and again, to take time out to just breathe and appreciate everything good that surrounds me - friends, snacks, fan-fiction - is exhausting, but necessary. I cannot allow myself to take anything, including my own self, for granted.
My main hopes for 2021 are a lot less rigid and a lot more fluid than last year’s. I hope to continue working on things that I can find pride in. To enjoy everything good and decent in my life where possible, even when I may find myself in times of turbulence, personal or global.
I want to fortify the relationships I have with everyone that I love, but importantly, I need to become a better friend to myself. I hope to accomplish as many things as I can, though I might not be able to tell you what exactly those things are. Right now, reaching the final ending in Hades is my Gordian knot - it may take the entire year.
My final thoughts for 2020 are a mess, but I’ll try my best to put down what I’ve learned:
Hold your loved ones close - though virtually is probably the best for now.
Look after yourself, and take time to just exist.
Animal Crossing is a wholesome black hole that can be incredibly hard to get out of.
And if you have to, you can finish a Master’s during a pandemic.
